Jesus is the only one who can heal the pain that you feel. There is no oneelse who can take the pain away. Jesus can feel every kind of pain that thereis. People dealing with their sexual orientation are not alone. I once toothought that I was all alone. The only thing that I sought was love andunderstanding.
I was born 1980 weighing two pounds, four ounces. The doctors did not evenexpect me to make it overnight. They said that I would be dead by morning. I wasborn with lots of problems, including a collapsed lung. That night when I wentto sleep, my lung was still collapsed. When I awoke the next morning, my lunghad healed. The doctors did not know what had happened. Jesus had healed me.
Some might say when I had gotten home I was a sheltered somewhat, which isunderstandable. However, some people might say that I was sheltered a little tolong. While growing up, I remember that my parents did not let me run everywherewith the kids in the neighborhood. At the time I did not understand why.
As a child people would tend to say that I was quiet and that I would tend tomyself a lot. In elementary school I was smaller than your average kid. Also, Iwas picked on (not to the extent where I would cry, but at times I just wouldtune it out). While in elementary school I had a lazy eye, the kids would callme cross-eyed, and things and that would effect me somewhat. Now that I amolder, I have let all of those feelings go because they are not effecting menow.
I had so called friends, but they saw me as be lower than themselves. Somemight say I did not know how to express myself. To a certain extent that wastrue. People would always ask me why do I put up with certain things. Inelementary school I really was not into sports, and playing outside. Well, Iplayed outside only with a certain group of friends. Over the years, I got moreand more conformable inside keeping to myself.
During my elementary school years I knew something was different about me.People would always say that I was extremely kind, which was true. I don’tremember much about those years in elementary school. But the thing I rememberis being attracted to a guy. At the time I did not think much of it. I believe Imust have just let it pass. But when I entered middle school I noticed thesomething was happening, and I did not have any control over it. Through outelementary and middle school I was attracted to both, guys and girls. Knowing Icould not tell anyone, I just had to keep this to myself.
While growing up my parents loved me, there was no doubt about that. But, Ibelieve they had a listening problem to some extent (not to say that they couldnot hear well) They could hear other people fine, but they just had a problemhearing me. Issues that could have been solved a long time ago that have causedme a lot of pain could have been avoided.
While growing up I also had social anxiety for years. My parents used to hearme tell them something is wrong with me. I told them that I could just not relaxin school, church, the mall, and places. At times there was just to many peoplearound for me at the time. Social anxiety had effected me a lot. Anxietyeffected me through middle school through college. During middle school I didnot even like to walk down the hallways. It was hard to stand up and walk to thedoor in some cases, I just knew everyone was looking at me. In gym class inmiddle school I remember someone saying, "Get that stick out of yourbutt". I had very few friends compared to everyone else it seemed like inmiddle school.
During my high school years, while holding my feelings inside, dealing withsocial anxiety did not make it any better. My high school years were somewhatbetter than my middle school years. I had grown up some, and I had been able tomake friends easier.
But in high school a change was taking place. At times I would have troublewith my schoolwork, and homework. My father was the kind of father who wouldyell a lot. He would curse at me also. I would tell him not to tell and curse atme, but that just made him more upset. When he would yell at me, at times Iwould just go upstairs and hold the place where the door closes and cry. I wouldtell my dad not to yell at me because I knew what he was doing to me. Every timeI would cry I would want to reach out to someone. Looking for comfort, I wouldwant to reach out to a guy. My mindset was a girl would not understand me, mypain, and I could not cry to her. I figured the only one I could cry to wassomeone who understood me. And that was another guy. Sometimes before I would goupstairs and cry my dad would tell me that I would never amount to anything, andhe would call me a crybaby.
During my college years I had kept to myself the first few weeks. After thatI had met a certain group of friends. They were a good set of friends. They allhung out together, and I became a member of their so-called "clique".We went to the movies, and talked in each other’s room, and sat in the lobby.In the group of friends there was this girl who I really liked. During this timeI was still struggling with my feelings and still had anxiety. Trying toapproach her would always end up in failure. Some say she treated me like dirt.At times she would just be rude to me. I would have really loved to tell herabout my anxiety. I figured telling her about my anxiety issues she wouldunderstand me and accept me. The "clique" believed I was just shy to acertain extent. I never told her about my problems. I figured if I could justlove her and she would love me back my problem would be solved. During this timeall I wanted was someone who would be and vise-versa.
Finally second semester hits, and I am back at college. During secondsemester I meet a new friend. He approached me because of a fashion error. I hadworn sandals with socks, and blue jeans. We talked for a few minutes. After sometime had passed I had gone up to his room hoping to make a friend and to getsome help with my style of dress. Once I had gone to his room once I had keptgoing back more often until we became the best of friends. It was just a matterof time before I told him what I was struggling with at the time. After I hadtold him how I felt later on, I had been introduced to a new "clique"of friends who understood me.
I had gone to clubs and out to eat with my new group of friends. We hung outtogether all the time. At times we would just go walking and talking. We wouldjust have a good time. At times I felt that is were I belong. At times myanxiety would just leave. But, when I would get back to school it would comeback the next day. But I still had anxiety at the clubs because I was aroundlots of people.
Time had passed and now it was the summer. The summer had passed by quickly.During the summer my feelings just grew. But I was still slightly confused. Bythat time I did not even want to put a label on how I felt. At times I thought Iwas "bi-sexual", and I just did not know how to deal with that.Feeling that I had too pick one sex and stick with it was making me just reallystruggle. Time had passed and now I. Back at college and still confused, I stillhad not changed.
During my first year at this college I had meet a girl who had been deliveredfrom struggling with her sexuality. She had been set free. She was really niceand I talked to her about my problems a whole lot. She was telling me how Icould also overcome. At the time I agreed with her, but I was still in doubt.Over time she had been going to a church near the city of the college. I decidedto go with her. The Church Van would come pick us up at school. On the bus theywould play music, and the Holy Sprit would just keep tugging on my heart, and Iwanted to cry. I thank God for her. While at the church they would have altercalls and people would get touched and the pastor would touch them on their headand they would lay down, or fall down. Some would get filled with the Sprit andshout. At times I would go up to the front wanting to be healed. I wanted thepastor to come by and touch me so bad. One day on the way back to my seat (thepastor had never spoken to me before) he told me that "I" or"it" would be ok. I really believed him. I thank God for him and hisfamily, and all the Godly men and women of the Church.
Time had passed and now the semester was over. Last semester I had pleadedwith my parents to let me take a semester off from college to I could deal withmy problems. They figured that I just wanted to take a semester off from collegebecause I was lazy and I that I really had no problems. So their response was"no". I just knew that going back to college would not be a goodexperience for me because I had much to deal with at the time. So my parentssent me off to college. During this semester at college my grades had droppedand my anxiety had gotten so bad were going to class and even to activities wasunbearable. At times I would really want to and try to go to class, but I justcould not. Since my grades had fallen somewhat, and I talked to my parents overand over, more that I did the first time they agreed to let me take a semesteroff.
At this time I believed that everything would be ok, or would get a whole lotbetter. Something told me that if I would get the social anxiety out of the wayI could tackle the sexual orientation issue. I had gone to see a councilor whohad confirmed that I had anxiety. Then I had gone to see a doctor, and he hasprescribed some medication for me to take. More time had passed then my anxietyhad lessened. I give God and Jesus all of the credit. As the anxiety had beganto leave I noticed a change in the way I was feeling. There was such a hugedifference.
Since my anxiety had begun to leave I was getting out more, and hanging outwith some friends of mine. I was no longer scared and nervous about going into adepartment store and paying a bill. I used to resist all I could.
I had not been to church in a while because I did not want people asking meall of these questions about why I am not a college. Finally time has passed andI had gone to church. When I first entered church I was so relaxed I could notbelieve it. It was incredible. After being relaxed in church I did not have aproblem going back Sunday after Sunday. In fact, I enjoyed church now. I wasanxious to go back every Sunday.
My grandmother discovered what I was dealing with at the time. She talked tome about it. Later on that night my mom, grandmother prayed about it. I was inthe middle on the side of the bed in the bedroom my grandmother slept in. Theday before, my dad and I had a huge argument because I did not want to ride inthe car to drop my grandmother off, my parents were driving and they wanted meto ride with them. I had wanted to stay home because I needed time to myself,and I need to address some issues that were going on in my life.
The next day was Sunday, and I had gone to church. What can I say? Jesus justhad touched me. I started crying uncontrollably and I have never been the samesince. I just gave it all to Jesus. He took it all away.
At times my memory of it going away fades. I did not even get rid of itmyself. Jesus had just taken it away. I don’t recall doing anything. I did notchange myself. I can’t take any of the credit. I take NONE… All the creditgoes to Jesus and God.
