Mary

Hi, my name is Mary. I'm writing this at a veryscary time, there have been terrorist attacks on the East Coast this morning anda lot of lives have been lost at the World Trade Center, at the Pentagon and inPennsylvania. It is really hard to concentrate on anything but what is going onin this country and the reports on the radio and TV but I have been promptedthat this is the time to get out the word about what the Lord Jesus Christ hasdone in my life so far and why my trust and hope are in Him right now. 

Back a number of years (quite a number in factsince I am 54) to when I was a child. I grew up catholic and went to a catholicschool and was relatively serious about my 'religion', not just because that'swhat we were told to be but because my family was and it was a major part of ourlives. I have two bothers and two sisters and my grandmother lived with us allthough my childhood, and wonderful parents. I had rheumatic fever when I wasseven and was told I was pretty sick but I was a kid and didn't know much.Although a lot of people got heart murmurs or similar heart damage from thatdisease, I did not. 

Looking back, I know now that God protected mefrom that as well as many other things physically throughout my life, probablymany I don't even remember (my memory is pretty bad about things from mychildhood). I do know that there was an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruitthat my doctor just happened to find during a regular exam, no cancer and noafter affects from it. There was a kidney stone that, according to the doctors,could not be dissolved and was too big to pass. At that time my husband wasworking with a born-again Christian and talked to him about the fact that I wasto be going into surgery and a long hospital stay to have this stone removed. Heand his church prayed for my healing. When I was told about the prayers Iremember thinking that God can do whatever He wants but I'm not really expectinganything. The next thing I knew my surgeon came in and said "put your robeon and come with me, you have got to see this". I had no idea what toexpect. We went to whatever room they had for reading the x-rays where heproceeded to show me that the stone had disappeared, his words disappeared, noexplanation, just gone. I was thrilled and vaguely remember thanking God but notever putting together the fact that believer's prayed and I was healed. Thatcame some time later. 

Backing up a little bit...I had two little girlsat the time that stone was diagnosed, the youngest was 8 or 9 months old when mybrother-in-law froze to death in the middle of West Bend one night when the windchill was 40 - 50º below zero. That sent my husband and our families into atail spin. He comes from a drinking family and his brother was drunk when he ranfrom the police, lost his glasses and ended up freezing. As sad as that was,even sadder, a great deal of his family went right into the bottle themselves,including my husband. Things went from bad to worse in our personal lives. 

A couple of years later new neighbors moved inwho were Christians. My husband went to church with them and spent a lot of timetalking with them and he asked the Lord into his heart. Things changed some butthere was nothing earth shattering. I, of course didn't think I really neededsomething like that. I was catholic and was taught that as long as you werecatholic you were OK. 

I want to back track a little about what Ibelieved. I knew God was out there somewhere and that sometime I would know whenI could go to heaven. There was still purgatory then. God was never close, justthere. But I wanted to know Him. When I was a teenager I can remember going tochurch a lot and crying but not knowing why. 

God has given me a personality or whatever that Iam not easily upset by some of the things that send other people into a panic.My mother taught me that you takes what comes and keep going. Your family needsyou so that's what you do. You don't fall apart. You pick up the pieces whenother people do. Naturally, I thought that's what I was doing...holding thingstogether. Isn't God good! He knew I would need to be like this. 

Anyway, the pastor of the church my neighborswent to stopped by to see me at their urging..they knew I needed the Lord evenif I didn't. He asked me, ˜if you were to die tonight where would you go?' Icouldn't answer and after he left I went to the Bible and did some reading andthen there, all by myself, asked Jesus into my heart and asked Him to save me,because I couldn't save myself no matter how strong I was or how good I tried tobe. From that day on things changed but it wasn't some major event. I don't havethe day marked on the calendar or anything like many do, but things changed. Godknew that circumstances in my life would make it necessary for me to be able tolean on Him and so many times I did. He has carried me for a great deal of mylife since. 

My mother got cancer and almost died a number oftimes. I was in the Word and longed to tell her about the fact that you couldknow that you were going to heaven before you died. I did tell her..she justlooked at me and said, 'I knew that, I was brought up German Lutheran.' I was alittle upset by the fact that she never told me, but quite relieved that sheknew my Lord too. She lived a number of years and went around telling peopleabout her faith in God often during those days in the hospital and probablyother times as well. She was a special lady. She eventually died from the cancerand went to be with the Lord. My dad died years later, also from cancer relatedthings and also went home to be with Him. 

Meanwhile the demons, and I mean that literally,from my husband's past were on the attack and dragged him down with alcohol andsex. Before the girls were born we had both gotten into reading and watchingpornography at times. Sex is what brought us together and also tore us apart. Hewas the first guy I had serious sex with, not the peripheral petting and stuffalthough there was enough of that. I believed that since I actually had sex withhim, he was the one I should be married to. He was kind of my king afterthat..my husband right or wrong. (When he was in the army and overseas he wroteme about the prostitutes and told me about other women he cared about. While hewas gone I was lonely and gave in to the pressure of that loneliness and had abrief fling, but the guilt of sex with another man even one time stopped meshort. I didn't tell him until many years later.) I had even bought him aPlayboy Club Key, almost anything to keep him happy. I even thought that waswhat the enlightened woman of times should do even when it made me veryuncomfortable. Looking back I know God was speaking to me even then, I justwasn't paying attention. 

Becoming a mother and then meeting Jesus changeshow you view things and those things that I wanted before were dead to me. Butbecause of the demons from the past and his own stubborn will my husband wentback forth between the Lord and drunkenness. Many OWIs, loss of driver'slicense, blackouts, possible one night stands that may or may not have happenedbecause of the blackouts, adultery with a "friend", loss of jobs,foreclosure and a lot of pain for my kids, God was still providing for my familyand making me stronger but this time it was His strength not my own. 

Please understand that provision did not fallfrom the sky. I had to go to work, had to depend on people to give me food,clothes and things for my kids, was humbled many times and blessed so many moreby how God always brought people into my life to help me and lift me up, bothChristians and non-Christians, and found ways to provide what was needed just atthe right time. My church and pastors (one of them is same pastor who asked methe question that turned my life around so many years ago) were always there tohelp and pray for and with me. Through good and bad, I have always seen His handif I looked for it, but many times it was well after the fact. 

Then for a while things got better. The Lord andwhat He was trying to do in our lives became the focus. The drinking stopped,family life got better, we got out of debt and God was blessing us. All thewhile there were things that needed to be worked on and it was not a cake walk.There are repercussions from past actions and there are teenagers that make youcrazy and problems that don't always get settled no matter how much you wantthem to. We did work on things and should have done more I am sure. 

My marriage took a blow that was almost fatal,again related to sex and the misuse and abuse of it with some heavy alcoholadded to it. So I am alone right now, still married but alone. God is stillworking on my wayward husband. I love him but God has impressed on me that Hehas to do the work in my husband's life; He is the Savior not me. 

So many years ago I asked the Lord to be myhusband and the father of my children because the man who was supposed to eithercould not or would not and He has. I cannot imagine where I would be today if Ihad not given my life to Him. As it has for so many years, my life keeps goingin His strength and mercy. No earth shattering miracles, but the miracle of alife that would have surely been destroyed if it not been for a Mighty Godholding back the enemy. The miracle of children who have survived a messed upfamily life and have beautiful children of their own. Yes they have had problemstoo but this is the earth not heaven. God said that in this life we will havetroubles. It is a given. But make no mistake God is in control at alltimes. 

Today as buildings are being destroyed and ourcountry is under attack, God is in control. Time may be short. This is the daythat if you are reading this you should look at where your life is going and whois going with you. I know from personal experience that if you walk with God atyour side (or sometimes carrying you, sometimes dragging you kicking andscreaming) you will never walk alone. He will never leave you or forsake you.