Mags

THE ULTIMATE GRACE CASE 

Hi! My name is "mags." Iam  42 years old, a mother of two, a sophomore in college and a sophomorein high school, both girls. Needless to say the gray hair is coming in and Ihave resorted to the bottle-dye, that is, not booze. 

Given my past, booze would have beenthe option of choice if it were not for Jesus Christ. My mom developedalcoholism and died from it when I was twelve. My dad never recovered fromlosing her and eventually smoked and drank himself into an early grave as well.While I have had the occasional glass of champagne to toast at a wedding, orsometimes have had a glass of wine with dinner while out on a date with mypresent husband, the Lord graciously spared me from the addiction that robbed meof my parents and my children of their grandparents. You see, they were not allbad, despite their addictions. My father, who knew the bible as he had grown upLutheran, actually used to engage in (civilized) debates with me when I was afeminist-humanist-eighteen-year-old-know-it-all-and-then-some in college. 

College. Tell me do you believe inmiracles? Well, I earned both a baccalaureate degree and a law degree fromLiberal Humanist Shangri La, a.k.a.- UW-Madison. Are you sitting down? It wasthere that I left my anger and disbelief behind and began a journey ofdiscovery-I found out who Jesus Christ was and is. 

Flashback. Satan tried to kill me asa kid. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, even physically. I was molested by apriest at the tender age of eight. As a little kid growing up catholic in theearly to middle sixties, I did not even understand what had happened to me. Imean eight year old kids were not as savvy as they are today; even if I had heard the word sex, I would have thought it was the number between five andseven. 

Needless to say my parents neverknew. I did not even remember it until I was driving along one day in my midthirties, on my way back from court. I was singing and praising God, the onlyone who can stand to hear me sing (one of His little known but truly awesomeabilities). All of a sudden this memory came back to me. Instead of crying, orveering off the road, I actually laughed. Years of pain, sexual confusion,obsession, and dysfunction from which I no longer suffered at that point in mylife, made sense at last. I asked the Lord why He was showing  me this nowand He actually answered. The Spirit of God spoke to my heart and said, " I wanted you to see what you have been delivered from." Now I getthe privilege of sharing this testimony and the healing power of the name ofJesus with teens who have gotten messed up sexually. 

I also lost my mom just as I hitpuberty. At the funeral the priest said God took my mother and we were not tofeel sad about it. He obviously needed her more in heaven than we did on earthaccording to this guy. This may have been the standard line for funerals at thetime but it was cruel and drove me to distrust and even at times feel like Ihated God. By the time I was in my teens I had begun to pursue all kinds ofavenues, other religions and philosophies, even the occult, searching forknowledge. You know that arrogant attitude some suffer from that the bible isfor simpletons who need a crutch; I was the poster child. I was anintellectual. 

When I was thirteen I was assaultedby a friend of my brother's. My dad was out of town. My brother thought hisfriend had left. I was alone in the living room, reading as usual. This guy washuge and about eighteen and I was terrified. I never told. Not anyone. I wasalso date raped at sixteen. So I guess it is not any wonder I also thought aboutand attempted suicide in my teens. 

Academics were the only area in mylife in which I  had known any real success. I was a feminist so I aimedhigh, or so I thought then, and decided I wanted to become an attorney at theoh-so-wise age of fourteen. 

How could anyone with my past, mypolitics, and my predisposition, ever become a follower of Christ? 

As a kid growing up catholic, I doremember the stations of the cross being particularly moving to me. I wouldalmost choke up when we would have to sit through it as a class. This is alittle ceremony (for the uninitiated) wherein pictures on the wall depictvarious scenes of the Lord's crucifixion and death. Then they repeat certainprayers. 

I also remember that I loved EasterSunday. I actually thought the idea of the Resurrection was so awesome. I waseight. I believed. 

Enter adolescence and all that tookplace. I even got preggers at seventeen. (We used a condom; Lesson: There is nosafe sex but obedience to God's word- Wait For Your Mate). I told nobody but theguy. He told his dad, a shrink no less. They insisted and I gave in and had anabortion. Do not ask how, but I knew then it was a boy. Twenty-one years to thedate of his probable conception, I had a dream about a young man who lookedsomething like my boyfriend back then but different. He was so sweet and as wetalked I felt sad and just said "That was so long ago," over and overagain. He said to me, "Yes, but it is all okay now." I awoke and wentfor a walk on that beautiful spring morning as I often did then to be alone andpray. I sort of brushed off the dream wondering why I would think of Christwenty some years later. I asked God, and He said, "That's not Chris, it'syour son." 

Before you think of me as one ofthose women portrayed in the pro-life commercials  who feels guilty andsees ghosts the rest of her life, let me say this. I had not thought about anyof it in years. You see I eventually came to know I had been forgiven. Jesusshed Holy Blood to pay for it. So to indulge my flesh, beating my breast toprove how sorry I was to myself and others, to me, would have been to diminishthe great sacrifice of the cross and the great grace I have received, howeverundeserved. I gave up my son to death out of fear and selfishness. God gave upHis Son out of love to pay for what I'd done. I believe the dream. If theinnocents who were killed are with Jesus, I may just see my son someday inheaven. 

After the abortion, I struggled evenmore with depression. The academics, and commitments to all the "isms"seemed to help at times, but the misery always came back. When Chris (myboyfriend), was in my life, it felt great; when he was not, I was the walkingdead. 

Enter Darcy, my roomie from Boston.She to came to Mad-town a budding feminist, but something changed toward the endof the first semester. She was going to the local campus catholic church. Herfamily made her promise to go once a month as a concession to her Bostoniancatholic upbringing, her politics notwithstanding. The priest turned out to be abonafide Jesus freak in a cassock (a dress catholic priests wear). He waspastoring this little congregation on  a campus in a radical state collegetown, so far from the Vatican, and so insignificant to all the politicsassociated with it, that I think he just did what he felt led to do. 

I started attending services, andguess what? No lightning bolts. I survived and during his sermons as he referredto the bible?!?, I actually began to find some peace. 

[A little parenthetical: the ApostlePaul always uses these- Just so you know my best friend from high school-Debbie, was a Lutheran kid who actually carried her bible to school some days(inthe '70's- no way! yes, well, that was "Big Red" for you, called thisfor her long legs and vivid red hair.) She was always telling me about God,always praying and concerned. See the seeds?] 

Back to the future - in college.Soon Darcy was going to a bible study. She had purchased an actual bible. Shetold me to help myself anytime. 

Weeellll. As sophisticated as I wasintellectually, I was still afraid of lightning bolts. 

One day when she was out, I wasstudying for finals. I was quite ill which was not unusual for me during finals.I pushed myself physically because all that drove me were grades and the goal oflaw school. After all I had killed my kid; I had to make something count, right?(see the feminist/catholic conflict here) 

So I picked up the bible. Nolightning. I opened it. Still no lightning. (The truth is that priest had liedabout my mom's death, so he must have been wrong about the lightning too; but Idid not know that then.) 

I turned to the beginning the wayone would with any other book and began to read:         

In the beginning,God created the heavens and the earth. Gen 1:1 

This has since become a favoriteverse of mine. It is filled with all the glory, the wonder, and the comfort ofknowing My Father God, my Savior King, and my Teacher and Companion, the HolySpirit. 

Back then however I was justoverwhelmed. I had an evolution polluted brain. Yes, I believe in creation now.I am a highly educated person and a practicing attorney of 17 years experience,trained as a trial lawyer. I have examined the evidence, pro and con, and havefound the evidence that supports the biblical account far too compelling toreach any other conclusion. Before you scoff, have the intellectual honesty tocheck it out. You owe it to yourself. 

The origins of the cosmos were leftbehind as I turned to the middle of the book. I did not know then that thereinlay the treasures of the heart of a man after God's own heart. I did not knowthen that this was even who David came to be known as. I only saw the words ofPsalm 32. As I read, those words began to swim before my eyes as tears ofrecognition and then gratitude began to fall.         

Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.         

Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile. 

There was such a peace to be foundin these words. I longed for that peaceful assurance.         

When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. for day and night Thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer, Selah. 

Was this not describing me duringthose dark nights of the soul when I was face to face with myself, and my sorrylittle life. At those moments the grand dreams were gone like smoke in the wind.I was left with only tears and fears. 

Then came the lightning bolt. Onlyit did not strike me down. It lit up the night sky of my heart:         

I acknowledged my sin unto Thee. And mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgression unto the Lord; and Thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. 

I did not know how to address God,stunted as I was by the rituals of my upbringing. I only knew with all my heartthat I wanted to know what the writer of these words knew: God's forgiveness.That day He heard the silent cry of my heart and counted the value of eachbitter tear. 

Other words led me on: 

I will instructthee and teach thee in the way that thou shalt go. 

I then felt led to look onward andturned to the New Testament. It opened to John 8:1. Here was the story of thewoman whose poor, pathetic life dangled on the brink of destruction as religiousfolk plotted her death as a way to try to trap a King. His wisdom in dispersingthem was astounding enough. His compassionate refusal to condemn her, Histriumphant declaration that she was free to go her way and sin no more won myheart. I have loved Him ever since. 

Since that time I have read of Hisdeath, His resurrection, His second coming. Every "ism" I had onceheld dear has fallen like the old pagan idols before the living God of Abraham,Isaac, and Jacob. I have found him to also be the Lord God of Deborah, Ruth, andEsther as well. I have even gone through a season of backsliding when the enemyof my soul threw things at me to hurt me and I wavered. But my Jesus, my King,He has never wavered. He has never condemned. Though He has chastened, He hassheltered, protected and empowered. 

I invite any who read this who donot know Him to give Christ a try:         

Time doesn't heal the heart that is torn apart;
it's time to make a change.         

God's word will mend the heart that's torn apart; 
things will rearrange. 

True love is what you'll find and peace of mind 
when you look to God's son,

Leave all your cares behind, make up your mind,
forget the things you've done, and just 

Open your heart up and give Christ a try, 
He's in love with you, He arose to set you on high 

You'll never know until you know that you've tried,
His warm and tender love; always thinking of God's Son inside. 

I used to sing that song to my kids(they had no choice - they had to listen). 

Seriously, no matter where you'vebeen or what your life has been up until now, Jesus loves each and every one ofyou. He proved it with His life, His death and His resurrection. Go for it. Allyou have to lose is sin, death, and the grave. And you'll gain the truest loveyou'll ever know, now or ever - and so much more. Do not take my word for itonly. Take God at His word like I did. Pick up a bible and read. Let it speak toyou. Those are God's very words, conceived in eternity, spoken forth into humantime. 

I'll be praying for you all. 

mags

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