Speedy (a.k.aMJ)

Igrew up in a very small town of about 600 people and was raised in a Christianhome. Our home was never quiet and we went to church every time the doors wereopen. My family always had different missionaries and special speakers stayingat our home. I thought that going to church is how you get into heaven. At age4, I thought that is how I would get into heaven by going to church, being a"good girl" and by doing works. I never really believed or accepted Christas Savior until much later. Through my childhood I was very depressed anddidn't talk to anyone. I really didn't understand what was going on like Ido today. Everybody in my hometown knew everybody else's business.

Backin the 50's and 60's they never talked about "gay" and that it was wrong.In fact, they never talked about sex and that we shouldn't let people touchus. I remember I always had those "feelings" when I was growing up of beinga lesbian. In my mind I said "it was ok to do that" and that Iwouldn't get hurt or be hurt emotionally, mentally or even spiritually. I wishat that time that someone told me that it was WRONG to do.

Whathappened was that I was being sexually, mentally, emotionally, spiritually andphysically abused by my grandpa and by my "best" friend and her brother. Allthis started at age 4 or maybe earlier, I am not sure. My grandpa started it andI still told myself "hey he loves me" and that it was ok to let him do thethings he did to me. Little did I know that letting "him" touch me andthings would destroy my childhood and that it would change my life for good.

Asthe abuse got worse, "her"and her brother did things much worse to me. I couldn't even tell anybody whatwas going on. I was too ASHAMED and felt that it was my fault.

Thisis when those feelings started when "her" would do things to me, they madethose feelings more alive. I felt safe with her and in doing it with her... Inever had the pain as I did when my grandpa and her brother hurt me. As a resultof this abuse, I got into different SA problems.

AsI got older, I never dated during high school because I was so afraid that those"feelings" would come out. So I kept to myself. These feelings got muchstronger and I had two relationships growing up. These relationships I was into,got me very confused and angry at myself but at God as well. I didn't knowwhat to do and since I didn't know what to do for sure, I would drink wine andwould smoke to cover up the pain of being rejected and feeling unloved andneglected. I told myself 'hey it's ok to do this'. I wasn'thurting anyone or even myself. At the time I most certainly did not likemyself at all.

Ididn't know it at the time it was called "sin' and I was so angry at Godfor letting this happen to me. I didn't think God was even there with me atthe time and that he just left me to do what I wanted to.

Ihave struggled with this 'feeling' for over 35 yrs and have acted on themoccasionally. I met my hubby in 1970 and got married in 1977. And yes we arestill together. For a very long time my husband never knew until recently. Hehas helped me so much in dealing with all of this.

Thenin 1980 I accepted Christ as Savior at the church where I still go today. Ireally thought that once I was saved and even married, that those"feelings", thoughts, and desires would just go away and never botherme again. I just thought I wouldn't have this type of problem. BOY, was Iwrong. Those feelings or thoughts or desires, HAD taken over my every thoughtlife and there was no room for GOD in there.

Ididn't think that God really cared for me to let me go through all this abusethinking it was alright. All my life, I felt like I was not worth anything, thatI didn't have anything useful to say and even if I did say it, that no one wouldlike my ideas. I had no self-confidence.

Ididn't feel like people wanted to have me around. I had friends, but no"best friend" to share all my secrets with. I was afraid of rejection.My way of dealing with things I did not want to deal with was to stuff theminside a box, in which I kept locked inside of me. I would give it over to theLORD, and then stuff it in the box again. Sometimes I would take it back outagain and try to deal with it, but it made a bigger mess of it and stuffed itback again inside the box.

Ihave learned that GOD is truly working in my heart today to be truly and totallyfree from these desires or feelings. I ask GOD to help me be free in HIM and Iknow that HE is truly working in my heart because I DON'T have THOSE DESIRESanymore to do this or think this way. PRAISE GOD for HIS UNFAILING LOVE FORME!!! He is truly changing my heart to be clean and free. AMEN!!

Ofcourse that doesn't mean we won't fall now and then, I am only human you know.I am trying to keep focus on GOD and not let Satan feed me his lies.

Twoverses helped me see this: In EPHESIANS 2:8 & 9 it says, "For it isby grace you have been saved through faith-and this is not from yourselves, itis the gift of GOD, not by works, so that no one can boast." (NIV).

Thesecond verse is PSALMS 73:28 and it says, "As for me it is good to drawnear to God, I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge, I will tell of yourdeeds." (NIV)

TheLord can deliver you from all kinds of situations, whether it would be drinking,smoking, abuse, etc. You can have peace in your heart if you only accept Christas your Savior.

Don'tgive up, just give it to him. My prayer is that this page has brought some hopeto you and maybe you feel that with GOD anything is possible.

Email Speedyor visit her website!